


Seal of Trust

by CommanderSpork



Category: Star Trek
Genre: First Time, M/M, Mind Meld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 18:25:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1357438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommanderSpork/pseuds/CommanderSpork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>During a passionate evening, Kirk and Spock reflect on their past and what they would like from each other in the future. However, quite understanding each other – and each other’s culture – poses a trying difficulty.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic years ago. It probably no longer accurately reflects my writing skills, taste, nor views on the characters. I am leaving it up for those who liked it regardless. At the time I wrote this, I intended it to be the start of a longer piece where Kirk & Spock would fall in love. The love would transform them into the more idealized versions of themselves as seen in TOS. To work with that character plot, I may have played up the character flaws visible in their AOS versions.

Spock was sitting at the desk in Kirk’s quarters, quickly, but carefully, scanning the information on his PADD. He and Kirk had gotten together for one of their regular chess matches. It had ended in a draw, as many of the matches had lately. After the game was over Kirk had lingered around and had gotten himself into quite a heated discussion with Spock. Of course, compared to what a heated discussion between two Humans would have been like, it had been nothing. Spock had never even changed his perfectly calm and composed manner of speaking. However, as Spock had been determined that a certain statement Kirk had made was erroneous, and Kirk refused to come to terms with that, things _had_ gotten to the point where Spock had walked over to the desk, picked up the PADD he had left there, and declared he would look up the information, then and there, to settle the matter.          

“Jim, I've found evidence that is sufficient to determine that you were indeed mistaken. The source is reliable. You may choose to come over here to see for yourself, if you still do not believe me," Spock said whilst still staring at his PADD. He read the context to the part that was proof for his earlier argument one more time, to make certain the given information wasn’t contradicted there.

The corners of Kirk’s mouth curled up towards a smile somewhat. Lazily he got out of his seat to sort of wander over to Spock. He came to stand half beside, half behind Spock, and glanced over the PADD for a moment.

Spock yanked himself from his bowed posture to sit up with an impossibly straight back. He turned his head to face Kirk with enlarged eyes. Kirk had slid his hand underneath Spock's shirt, now resting on the skin just above the edge of the dark Starfleet trousers. Kirk let out a puff of air that could have been the beginning of a chuckle, while Spock continued to gape at him.

"Honestly, Spock, this argument matters to me like a dead planet on the other side of the galaxy. I just want to..."

Kirk never finished his sentence. He didn't need to. _Spock knew._

He could tell by the way that Kirk looked at him. Spock had deciphered the meaning of such a look by seeing his captain direct it at some kindly smiling female many a-times. Actually, on occasion, when Kirk thought nobody was looking, Spock had also seen it directed at some male specimen.

The theory – which in contradiction to the scientific method, was already presumed as true – could be supported by empirical evidence that could best be described as a series of _incidents_ in the past. There had, for example, been a shore leave during which Kirk had consumed far too large a quantity of alcoholic beverages. It hadn’t only been far too much to be suitable for a starship captain, it had also been far too much for Kirk’s own good. Spock had been trying to look after him, meaning to maneuver his captain to his respective quarters without causing too much commotion. At some point on their way, Kirk had pushed Spock into a wall and had ‘felt him up’. The sudden invading touches, which completely shattered the concept of personal space, had startled Spock so that he had reached out and performed the neck pinch on Kirk before he was aware he was doing it. He had then carried Kirk to his quarters and spent a considerable part of the night meditating to restore his shields. The lack of control of his behalf that had resulted in his captain's passing out, was simply _unacceptable_. Added to this incident where the countless off-hand flirtatious remarks Kirk made, especially when he and Spock were alone. At first, Spock hadn't understood the meaning of these, finding Jim's choice of words, the emphasis placed certain parts of his speech, the intonation of his voice used for some sentences, _illogical_. When he had come to understand the concept of flirting better, and consequently had come to understand that his captain was flirting with him, he simply pretended continued ignorance. It was easier that way.

Finally, of course, Spock knew what Kirk wanted, because he could sense some of Kirk's feelings through to the skin to skin contact.

"Captain... Jim...," Spock struggled to find an appropriate way to address Kirk. Appropriate for the moment, that is. "I know what you seem to want, but I need for you to vocally confirm, that you really do wish to act upon it. That you believe it to be wise."

Now Kirk did know that it was terribly _unwise_. Hell, sleeping with any crew member was probably unwise. So for the captain to have sex with his first officer was more like totally completely utterly dumb, like picking-a-fight-with-four-guys-at-a-bar-over-a-girl-that's-not-even-into-you dumb. However, that particular incident at the bar had been the beginning of a series of events that had gotten him where he was now: Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, savior of planets. Jim smirked at that thought.

Actually it was pretty much Jim's style to go all in when an opportunity arose, and it just so turned out that he was a damn lucky bastard. An opportunity had now arisen again, Spock seemed more open for _what Kirk wanted_ than ever before, so why abandon his strategy now?

"Hell yes, Spock, I very much wish to act upon it," Jim finally said. His heart picked up speed. He felt very warm. His body was anticipating that it would finally happen. Spock wouldn't ask questions such as this if he did not want it. Kirk was intensely excited.

It had all begun as a sort of game. It was obvious how buttoned up Spock was . Therefore, he knew, it would make his pointy-eared friend both uncomfortable if he would make advances, as well as that Spock would do everything within his power to not let that show. It would be fun to make him sweat a little – not that Vulcans produced any actual sweat. On top of that, there was the benefit that maybe after a while Spock would finally realize _it was okay_ to loosen up a bit. Yes, teasing Spock was the perfect entertainment for James Tiberius Kirk.

After a while though, Kirk had found that it wasn't just teasing anymore. A genuine interest had arisen. It was probably because Spock was so exotic. Kirk always got an extra kick from getting into bed with alien races, but Spock was _extra_ interesting. Vulcans were very private about anything that wasn't strictly necessary for off-worlders to know about them, their biology and their bedroom habits were on top of that list. Next to that, Spock’s mixed Vulcan and Human ancestry made him unique. There was no other like Spock – and now Spock was willing!

Kirk moved his hand more to Spock's side – so that it mimicked the ghost of a hug – and leaned into Spock close enough to be able to lick his ear, _would_ he choose to stick out his tongue.

In his most seductive voice he whispered, "Would you like to be your captain of service in the matter, Mr. Spock?"

"If the captain wishes that of me, I will," came the emotionless response.

When Spock and Kirk had just become acquainted, Spock had found the other quite excruciating. Of course, their first encounter had been after Kirk had beaten the Kobuyashi Maru test in a way that was impermissible, and that had been only the beginning. Next, Kirk had gotten himself aboard the Enterprise, whilst being on Academic Suspension, and from there on out had made it a habit to go against all rules and regulations that did not suit him. The worst of it was him seemingly being _rewarded_ for it. Spock had found it rather incredulous of Captain Pike to nourish the idea that Kirk could act as he pleased. That he didn't need to comply with the rules. That somebody would ‘pull some strings’ to make him an exception, that there was always some a way for him to make the impossible possible. Indeed, he had thought it a joke when he'd first heard Pike promote Kirk to first officer, whilst at the same time promoting Spock himself to acting captain.

And a frustration on account of the seemingly brash young man had undoubtedly been part of why Spock had chosen to 'maroon' Kirk at Delta Vega – which was in defiance of regulations as well. Actually, it could be argued that this act had already been the foreboding of his later 'Emotional Compromise' – caused by the very same man –but at the time he had been too proud to admit it. After years of being devalued on his own planet, the people of Earth had readily praised his abilities – on an academical and professional level at least. On top of that he had witnessed personally that his mother had really been exceptionally well controlled in comparison to how the majority of her people behaved. All this had tempted him to come to overestimate his own abilities, to become proud of his emotional control and logic. And so pride had become his downfall.

However, by what Kirk had done to him, he had been humbled again. In that humbler state he had later offered his services to Captain Kirk as his second in command. During the first few weeks, serving like that, he had still found it difficult to 'know his place'. It was a struggle not to take over when Kirk's disregard for regulation became evident again. And it was still difficult to trust Kirk to know what he was doing (and truthfully there had been plenty of times when Kirk simply did not).

As time passed however, Spock learned that he had misjudged Kirk's character. He was not a lazy youth who tried to find an easy way out of everything, but instead a young man who _needed_ to serve that what was good. Kirk’s unruly behavior was mostly a result of his tendency to, when he firmly believed in something, he would rather become ‘a martyr for the cause’ than let something he perceived as an injustice allow to persevere. Though a little more caution would be in place – Spock could now recognize that Kirk had the potential to become a very competent starship captain.

Also did Spock learn that sometimes it was indeed – and it took a lot of him to admit that even to himself – better to go with Kirk's wild ideas than to 'do things by the book'. It had saved countless lives, countless times. Spock had even meditated, more than once, about whether or not they might have been able to do more for Vulcan and its inhabitants – as well as the Starfleet officers and students that been lost – if they had listened to Kirk sooner on that dreadful day.

And finally, as time had passed, Spock had found that actually James T. Kirk did seem to have a highly illogical ability to not quite _have_ to comply to the rules to bring things to a successful end. He had even proved Spock's own words, _that a captain cannot cheat death_ , to be quite wrong. And so Spock had come to place more and more trust in his captain, in Jim, and become content being his subordinate.

This, what he was about to do, almost appeared as a logical conclusion to that. After all, to let another person touch him so intimately, to feel him so intimately, to _know_ him so intimately, would be the ultimate seal of trust. For another person to see him so vulnerable, to see him 'come undone', lose control... for another person to be the cause of that, it would be perfect to serve to erase the final distance between him and his captain. _Especially so, because ‘casual sex’ was so celebrated amongst Humans._ Indeed, Spock had come to believe from observing Human culture that to offer sexual services to a friend would make one become _quite_ well-liked by that particular friend.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock shivered as he bent himself over the desk. This was not because he had any difficulty regulating his body’s heat-management system to keep him warm now that his clothes had been removed, but instead because of how vulnerable and exposed his current position forced him to be.

Kirk had him bent over the desk earlier already – he’d said he found it to be an especially erotic position – but had, after a moment or two, decided that Spock should stand back up so that Kirk could 'look at him'. It was almost embarrassing to be asked to display himself as such. It shouldn’t be embarrassing, Spock had told himself, within this setting it was not at all inappropriate. Though a life time of having it emphasized he didn’t fit Vulcan, nor Human, standards allowed this vulnerable state, this request to display himself, to make him feel self-conscious.

It had never been like this with Nyota. With her it had always been loving and sweet. He was thankful that she had been his first. She had been so patient with him when he was still so very reluctant to engage in such acts. Vulcans usually refrained from sexual contact until their first pon farr required them to do so. After that, when two Vulcans were properly bonded, it was entirely up to them to arrange things in any manner that would be acceptable to both partners.

However, as he was grieving for his planet, for his Human mother, he had felt less objections to giving into the Human patterns of the rituals. And he had found great comfort in it too, when he finally did. Nyota had told him, once he had confessed this to her, that it was exactly what she had hoped for. Humans, she explained, often found comfort in having such intimate contact with their partner when they were disquieted.

Never would he be able to forget Nyota and what she had meant to him. He still missed her, sometimes, but they had decided that in the end it was better for them to no longer continue their relationship as lovers. They did however, hold onto a warm friendship even to this date.

Subtle sounds were coming from behind Spock, but Spock’s sensitive Vulcan ears could discern them just fine. Kirk seemed to be busy with whatever was necessary in anticipation of what they were about to do. Spock chose not to look. _Trust him_ , he thought, he probably knows what he’s doing better than you would. Spock almost shook his head as he thought about how deeply he was investing himself in the 'Human patterns of the rituals' now. It was not entirely unheard of for two Vulcans of the same gender to bond, it was accepted when the compatibility between them was unusually high, but as such pairings bared no offspring it was considered illogical and therefore to be avoided if possible. The fact that nearly all Vulcans would have their bondmates arranged for them whilst they were still children did help to maintain the predomination of female to male bonds , but still, same-gender bonds _did_ happen, sporadically.

Spock had to consciously suppress a second shiver too, as he once again thought about how different this experience with Jim was from his earlier experiences. Even later on in his relationship with Nyota, when her guiding became domineering, _it had never been like this_. Jim seemed to be so much more lust-driven than she had ever been, and that reflected in the way this act was playing out. Spock wasn’t entirely comfortable on account of that, which caused him to both think the situation over intensely, as well as have to struggle to suppress non-goal orientated movements.

He calmed however, when Jim used his left hand to caress him lightly. First over his back, and then lower down over his behind. Through the touch he could feel that even though it didn't immediately show on the outside, Jim did care about him deeply, Jim did feel love for him. Spock closed his eyes, yes, of course Jim did. He was not just Spock’s captain, he was his _friend_.

"Now, I've been longing to question you almost as much as I've been longing to touch you," Jim started just before his fingers slipped to slide over a _very_ intimate place. Spock moved forward, away from the unfamiliar touch, but only slightly.

"But there is one question in particular, that seems,” Kirk continued, “essential here."

Kirk needed to know this before he would proceed, for both his own and Spock's sake. If he would drive in there full force if it would be... if he would be... He would feel terrible if he were to hurt his first officer – his friend – like that. Seeing someone struggling to hide little reminders ‘of last night’ – a hickey that pops out from under the clothing, or indeed a light sensitivity that flames up when trying to sit down – had a certain excitement clinging to it, like any inside-joke based on a private secret. However, he did not want to cause more pain than necessary, not when being someone’s first, especially not when that someone was Spock.

"If it is essential, it is only logical that I would answer such a question," Spock replied. Kirk rubbed his index- and middle-finger once again over Spock’s tight ring of muscle, this time Spock didn't move away from it. It was a... _fascinating feeling_.

"Have you ever been, well, you know, had by a man before?" Kirk asked.

"Mhm," Spock murmured, savoring the feeling for a moment. It seemed that the muscles there had now started _responding_ to Jim's stroking them. Every time Jim's fingers went over there, he opened up a bit. Another part of his anatomy was also responding.

"I have not," Spock finally replied the question.

"Alright," Jim responded. He was slightly disappointed by this fact, but in all honestly he had seen it coming. "You are familiar with the... process though?"

"Superficially, I am."

"Alright, listen Spock, at first this is going to be slightly unpleasant. It will hurt, I cannot prevent that, but I'll try to be as gentle as I can. Just try to relax and not tense because of it. That will be worse," Jim tried to explain quickly as he removed his left hand from Spock's ass and laid it on his arm instead in what was meant to be a reassuring gesture.

"Understood, I shall attempt to do so to my best capacity," Spock replied, feeling Jim's fingers leave his intimate place. Shortly after that, they were replaced by one single digit from his other hand. This finger felt different though, slippery, slightly wet, but the substance that had cause it was clinging to Kirk’s finger still in a manner that a watery liquid would not.

"And then, if you hold through it, there will be bliss in the end." _If the Spock's prostate is like the Human one, at least,_ Kirk mentally added. However he quickly pushed that thought away, fearing Spock would sense it through his touch-telepathy otherwise. Even though it might be wrong to try and hold such a theory to himself, Kirk convinced himself that Spock’s superficial knowledge about how this worked included knowing whether or not it could work for him. Besides, even without stimulation to the prostate, the experience could be pleasurable.

Kirk squeezed Spock's arm lightly as he slowly started pushing his digit in. It wasn't until the finger was almost completely in that Spock tensed. Kirk paused.

"Are you doing okay there?” he asked.

There was a muffled sound in Spock's throat, following by Spock taking a breath.

"I believe I am 'okay', as you put it. Proceed."

Kirk buried his finger completely. He moved it back and forth a couple of times. At some point slightly changing the angle. Spock remained still. Kirk suddenly feared that he might remain like that during the entirety of their coupling. Unreadable, composed. He hoped, _he wished_ , that it wouldn't be so. That at some point, he would manage to break down The Great Wall of Spock, so that he could at least see if Spock was feeling any pleasure at all from Kirk’s efforts. As much as Kirk found he enjoyed sex with no strings attached, it was a bit of a mood killer for him if the other person seemed already disinterested _during_ the sex. He wants to see the other person enjoy themselves. Kirk added a second finger.

“Jim,” Spock began, “may I ask you a personal question?"

Good, the pause between his name and the rest of the sentence Spock had uttered, was _something_.

"Have you yourself ever been with," Spock continued. Another pause, this one with Spock's mouth half open. Good. "...another man before?"

"A couple of times. I generally prefer the ladies. 'S been a while," Kirk slurred.

Kirk found he was growing a bit impatient with waiting. He wanted to go in now, but Spock was still too tight. It would be… _mean_.

"I meant to ask... more specifically... if you have ever been... with another man... like I am with you now."

"You mean if I ever bottomed?" Kirk took a step to the side and one forward. "God, Spock could you reach out behind you and touch me?"

Spock's fingers twitched on the desk. He began slowly moving his hand backwards towards Kirk.

"Yes, I do believe," Spock began. Kirk moved his fingers apart inside Spock. "Ngh," came Spock's reaction, and then he continued, "do believe I do mean that."

Kirk smiled widely, happy that Spock seemed to be reactive after all.

"Naah, I –" He stopped because he realized that Spock hadn’t moved his hand any further than the edge of the desk. "Spock, could you _please_ touch me, like, now?"

Kirk however, didn't wait for Spock to answer to his request, but instead simply picked up the other's hand to personally place it where he desired it. When Spock started to move it, after a moment of letting it linger there as if dead, Jim let out a loud moan, throwing his head back, before tending to the question again.

"I had a guy fuck me in the ass once."

Spock stopped his movements right at that moment and tensed all over. He even turned his head around to glare at his captain.

"Never again,” Kirk continued. “It definitely wasn't my thing. It didn't feel right to be... What is it Spock? Why are you looking at me like that?"

A moment of silence.

"Captain, such language."

"Oh Jesus Spock, you're going to bicker about my language use not being all sophisticated when I've got my fingers up your rear door?"

"I’m sorry captain, I wasn't aware it could be considered part of the ritual."

"Ritual," Kirk replied with near-laughter and started his movements again, adding another finger in the process. "By the way, at the moment I'm not your captain. Unless, of course, that's what gets you off?"

Spock started his movements again too, letting out a couple of small sighs. With his sensitive Vulcan hands, the act of touching Kirk, squeezing his hand around him tightly, was physically pleasant to himself as well. He didn't reply to Kirk's question. The odds seemed in favor of it just being a statement, so it was probably better not to waste time on trying to come up with an appropriate answer. His mind got distracted anyway as Kirk slid his hand up under him and rubbed one of his nipples.

Kirk pulled his fingers out completely and stepped away from Spock's touch. Spock turned his head to see what the purpose of this was. He needed to try and read it from Kirk's face as through their touch he only felt the hints of emotions. Sometimes thoughts would slip through if they were particularly strong. It made him realize how much easier, and how much _more_ , things could be if he had a fully developed bond with Jim. Life must feel so much richer if there was another person that you knew as thoroughly as yourself, that was part of you and yet wasn’t. For a moment Spock was overcome with a sense of loneliness, as he had never been given the opportunity to form a full-fledged bond with anyone.

He had been pre-bonded with T'Pring, but they had never worked on their bond much as they weren't too fond of each other. There had been a silent consensus between them that that they would wait for pon farr to force them to it. Spock had not looked forward to it, and had hoped they would find a way to undo their pre-bonding before it would happen. As far as he knew though, she had passed away with Vulcan.

Then of course there was Nyota. He had been superficially involved with her already even before T'Pring had passed. He had entered into 'a relationship' afterwards. His hopes had been that she could become his new and full bondmate, and during their relationship he had started working on creating a bond with her. This however, had been only mildly successful. Spock could ascribe that partially to the fact that Humans didn't naturally have telepathic abilities, but he knew there had to be something else too. After all his own mother had been Human, and she had been properly bonded to his father.

Now though, she was out of the question and Spock wondered if he would ever be able to find a proper bondmate. The Vulcan population had been drastically decreased, many had lost their bondmates. Had he gone to New Vulcan immediately, the probability of finding himself a new bondmate would have been high. However, he had allowed his older counterpart to convince him not to, and now there wouldn't be too many partners to choose from left, if any at all. Attempting to find a Human bondmate – or one amongst any another species – hadn’t been successful so far, either. There always remained a distance. No matter how he tried to understand members of other species, they still remained largely alien to him. In part, Spock blamed his strict Vulcan upbringing. His father had of course tried to look out for Spock’s best interests, reasoning that growing up on Vulcan it would be best not to allow for his mixed heritage to blemish his behavior, and therefor smother all ideas that any way but the Vulcan way was right. It had been wrong, Spock had later concluded. Closing oneself off from diversity, was itself contradictory with the Vulcan ways. So, Spock tried to work hard to make up for his shortcoming, especially when it came to Humans.

But to bond with one? As his failure with Nyota had come suggest, that might not work out at all. He wondered if the fact that he was only half-Vulcan had been the extra factor that had made the mental bonding so difficult. Nothing during his life on Vulcan had indicated it. He had done excellent during the training, but perhaps somehow his own telepathic abilities were flawed because of his mixed heritage in a way that was unbeneficial for the bonding process.

Jim pressed a kiss to his back and he felt pleasant emotions that weren’t his own wash into him.

"I think it is time for us to move on to the real thing," Jim said.

"I wasn't aware that there was anything unreal about our situation so far?" Spock replied, half-absent. He was running an internal argument about whether the fact that his sudden willingness to engage in intercourse with Jim might reveal that he hadn't fully given up on finding a bondmate yet, a Human bondmate to be precise. Also did he wonder if it would be possible, for him to... for it to be Jim.

"Spock, it is just a figure of speech. It means that I want to insert my phallus inside your rectum now, rather than my digits," Kirk clarified in a teasing manner. His voice however, indicated that it was good-hearted teasing.

Spock reasoned that he found the idea of it being Jim to be appealing. As it had seemed before that this arrangement that he had now taken part in was the perfect climax to the relationship that he had been building with his Captain, with Jim, it now started to seem that them becoming bondmates was actually the perfect ending.

"This is going to be the most unpleasant part, but _mhmmm_ , after that it will only get better. I promise," Kirk pretty much hummed.

Shortly thereafter he felt Kirk's organ against him, slippery as his fingers had been.

If Spock and Jim would become bondmates, Spock was now reasoning, it would first of all be beneficial to their functioning as a command team of the Enterprise. Some more pessimistic individuals might argue that personal attachments in a professional context were anything but a contribution to efficiency. Spock, however, had calculated that there was a positive causal correlation between the improvement of the relationship between him and Kirk and the capability with which affairs on aboard the ship were handled. If they could see in each other's mind at any given moment, understand each other's intents, motives, ideas, and _person_ completely, the Enterprise as an organization could function most commendable.

"Are you ready, Spock?" Kirk inquired, attentive to Spock’s, possible, susceptibility.

"I'm ready, Jim," Spock answered calmly.

Nevertheless, however ready Spock thought he had been he still clasped the side of the desk and sucked in his lower lip, before regaining his control and willing himself to both relax and suppress the feeling of discomfort all at once. Though, he couldn't prevent a very quiet whine escaping him as he was further penetrated.

 _Secondly_ , he tried to continue his earlier thoughts to distract himself. Secondly, it would take the pother of looking for another possible mate – having to go through this entire process of selecting someone who appeared suitable, finding out whether they were interested, gaining their trust by opening up to them, and finding out if their minds were actually compatible – away from him. The question of compatibility was the one that still stood with Kirk, but Spock believed in the probability that they would be compatible. It seemed that despite undeniable differences in how they expressed themselves, their cores were not so different.

"Ssshhh, Spock, it will be alright," Kirk answered to the whine Spock had uttered a moment before.

Kirk’s hand reached between the mass of the desk and Spock’s body, wrapping itself around Spock’s rigid muscle. He started stroking it in a way that Spock could only categorize as 'correct'. Spock temporarily directed his mind to focus solemnly on the sensation arising from it.

When the feeling originating from the point where their bodies joined leaked back into Spock's awareness, it was less uncomfortable, and instead of Jim only pushing forward into him, the motion was now characterized by small thrusts back and forth.

 _Thirdly_ , Spock thought, still finding he had the free mental capacity to pursue his train of thought a further. Thirdly, it would solve an impending problem he had illogically put off to address properly every time it had surfaced into his mind: when his pon farr would set in, he needed someone to be there for him in order for his condition not to become terminal. By bonding to Kirk, and it should be emphasized that this was Spock’s least valued argument, he could be sure there would be someone there for him once his Time had come. This would be a merit as self-presserva-

Spock threw his head back. His eyes where closed and his mouth was open with a trembling lower lip.

"J-Jim... what... was that?"

Kirk squeezed Spock's hipbone and drew his member partially back out.

"I assume your prostate. Glad ya have one."

Kirk aimed carefully for the spot again. Trying to test if it hadn’t just been coincidence.

"Egggh, OH!" came Spock's uncensored response.

Kirk smirked. Yes, that must be Spock's prostate. He stuck to the position he had now found to be the road to enhancing both their pleasure, and picked up a pace. It had Spock moaning. _It. Had. Spock. Moa-ning._

Very glad that he had found that Spock did have a prostate sensitive to erotic stimulation located within reach – and very glad too, that Spock was dropping his robot act quickly – Kirk began to wonder again. To long to explore more of Spock's mysteries.

"You're not in pain?" he asked, suddenly concerned he may have misinterpertated Spock’s noises.

"N-no. The contrary," Spock replied.

Satisfied with this answer, Kirk increased his pace. It was quick and deep now, causing their flesh to slap together. Spock’s even occasionally banged against the desk. Momentarily, it struck Kirk as comical, because _this was_ Spock.

Though he did not spent time dwelling on it, as the need for climax demanded his full attention by its sudden urgency. It meant he was closing in on it. Without consciously choosing to do so, it made Kirk slightly alter his angle, favoring his own pleasure over Spock's for an instant.

The position didn’t hold long, as Kirk longed for a more… _intimate_ , position. He shifted back and bended his body over that of Spock. His sweaty chest touching Spock's fervently warm back. Spock grasped Kirk's hands as soon as Kirk planted them on the desk. Deep sensuous thrusts and Kirk almost went over the edge.

Yet, instead of allowing the divine feeling to take a hold of him and drown him, he pulled out.

" _Jim_ ," Spock pleaded.


	3. Chapter 3

Kirk wrapped his hand around Spock's wrist and tugged him gently away from the desk.

"Bed," he murmured, still having to regain his breath.

Kirk didn’t want his night of passion with Spock to be over just yet. It had occurred to him that this might very well be the only chance he’d get with Spock, and he wanted to explore the opportunity somewhat further than he currently had. Orgasm would have to be put off a little longer still – especially since it wasn’t unthinkable that afterwards Spock would sober up from whatever lapse of logic had caused him to agree to this and be out of here.

Upon reaching the bed Kirk pushed Spock onto it – not quite harsh, but none too gently either. Slowly he strode around the bed, building anticipation, before making his way onto it to place one leg each on the sides of Spock’s body. He learned forward whilst trailing his fingers through the hair on Spock’s chest.

"Now I know that Vulcans do not like to shake hands partially because of their touch telepathy, right?" Kirk asked, having more or less found back his capacity for coherent speech.

"Correct," Spock replied.

Kirk could openly read it off of Spock’s face that his logic had made way for an complete absorption in sensation. The thought-processes that normally matched with ease the speed of a state-of-the-art computer had cooled off. The mind that normally shone with the brightness of a star, had now been reduced to flickering candle-light – perfect for creating a mood, but of little practical use. Kirk had never seen Spock so far away from himself before – not even when he had purposely provoked him into rage – and it was wonderful!

However, Kirk was determined to drown him in pleasure even further. Some people aimed for the stars. Well, Kirk was a man to aim beyond the stars. He aimed to boldly go where no man has gone before.

"But, I also believe that Vulcan hands may be sensitive to stimulation in general," Kirk continued, making to pick up one of Spock’s hands off the bed.

"They are sensitive," Spock confirmed.

"So would you like it,” Kirk asked rhetorically, “if I were to do _this_?"

On cue with ‘ _this_ ’, Kirk engulfed two of Spock's fingers partially in his mouth and licked their tips.

Spock arched his back upwards and he moaned again, his free hand clamped in the sheets of his bed.

As a reaction to the positive response, Kirk wrapped his mouth around the entirety of Spock’s two fingers. Their tips resting in the back of his mouth, Kirk was careful to hold Spock’s hand by the wrist to prevent any sudden movements that might make him gag – before he began to suck. After a moment or two he also began to flex his tongue, for extra stimulation.

"Very much so," Spock admitted in between purring moans.

Kirk began positioning himself in between Spock’s legs to continue what he had been doing earlier. After the break, he was confident he would be able to hold off climax till his mind was satisfied too over having indulged himself in tasting a juicy mouthful of the illustrious exotic fruit that was Spock, before it would forever be hauled out of reach.

Kirk removed the hand from his mouth, but continued his stimulations in the form of putting their fingertips together with a rolling pressure.

  1. It was applied to Spock’s lower regions again too. Momentarily, Spock’s face tensed, but he gained control over the smaller discomfort swiftly. Being intimately informed of the mechanics now, he relaxed his muscles.



For a moment, moved his hips back and forth, whilst uttering sounds without shame, but no words. Though, then the lapse of language was ended again.

"Mmmmhh, I wonder if you have any," Kirk began, interrupting himself with a gasp and a groan, "more especially sensitive body parts."

Kirk bended forward and slid his hands from Spock's hipbones, over the stomach, to the nipples.

"From before, I know these are," he murmured as his fingertips went over the nipples. “They are a sensitive spot for Humans too, if you hadn’t been made aware yet.”

Spock's eyelids twitched in response. He made an effort to nod – whether it was to confirm he hadn’t, or simply that he understood Kirk’s instruction was unclear. The nod turned out to look more like a distracted lolling of the head, too.

"But how about those ears?" Kirk questioned, his fingers stopping their gentle rubbing to come along with his hands on their journey north.

They crossed a path over the muscles of Spock’s chest, his collarbones and his neck.

Spock's hands dug into Kirk's hair sunray hair as the latter lightly scraped his nail over the outer rim of Spock's ear – tugging to bring Kirk’s face close to his own. Kirk proceeded to lightly rub the pointy tip between his index finger and thumb. The effect of it disappointed him a bit. Even though Spock still seemed to enjoy it, it didn't have the overwhelming effect Kirk had hoped for.

Kirk drew back and ministered a deep and hard thrust. Spock felt as if it knocked him halfway out of his mind. Had he been thinking more clearly, he would have told himself that such a thought didn’t make much sense.

"Jim," he muttered under his breath.

Nevertheless, Kirk heard his name being called as if the voice of midnight itself was calling a siren’s call to draw him into a magical forest. It caused a smile to play over Kirk's face. He placed a light kiss on Spock's throat and then backed away to resume the more straight-backed position from before.

Spock was very docile. He had pretty much simply lain down and allowed it to all wash over him. He'd barely even touched Kirk. Kirk could appreciate as being cute in a way, the innocence. However, it also struck him that beside innocent Spock showed him a certain fearlessness and trust, as if he was floating in the ocean, allowing the waves to wash over him, without any fear of drowning because Kirk would be there to hold onto. For a moment, Kirk envisioned Spock with his hands tied above his head and a blindfold discontinuing his sight. He snapped his hips even more enthusiastically than before.

However, reality got a hold of him again all too soon. No matter how much trust Kirk thought Spock might be showing him, a Vulcan having kinky sex? The undeniable discovery how the universe had come into existence was more likely to happen. It might even be considered a small miracle that Spock had agreed to have sex with Kirk in the first place.

A wave of heightened pleasure hijacked Kirk’s mind for a moment, erasing his ability for conscious thought. When he recovered his mind leapt again, remembering one more Spock-special thing that he would like very much to try.

"Spock,” he began his breathy plea. “Would you meld with me?"

Spock's eyes flicked open from their closed state. _Something_ most certainly played through them.

"A-are you certain?" he managed to get out.

Melding alone, due to its intimate nature, was permissible to pass between any two individuals only if it served a clear practical purpose. For recreational purposes it was supposed to be reserved mostly to one’s (intended) bondmate and mayhaps a very select few others. However, to perform it with another, in combination with intense sexual contact, such as Spock was currently engaging himself in, was unthinkable. It was the very same act that made up a major part of the bonding process, because during the process of intercourse the two minds of the individuals involved had an unique susceptibility to each other. Answering Kirk’s request _would_ change everything.

"Yes, 'course," Jim moaned back at him.

Of course, Spock had thought about the logic of bonding to Jim only moments before, about how he desired it. Yet, he felt reluctant now that he could. He felt confident that if he kept the meld controlled, at most only a small connection would be formed. Though logic told him that it would still be wise to sit down and calmly discuss the implications of this first. After all, was Jim even aware of them?

"Do you even know what you're asking for?" Spock asked, forcing himself to form a sentence more qualified for the subject.

Kirk did know what he was asking for, or he thought he did. Back on Delta Vega Spock, older Spock, had melded with him too. With him... Kirk slowed his thrusts as the wrinkly old face appeared before him in his mind. Old people weren't the best thing to think about during sex, let alone if they were what the person you were currently having it with would look like some day. Kirk tried pushing the face from his mind. _Back there_ , he resumed his earlier track, he was overwhelmed by the experience. However, he hadn't known what to expect then. He did now. And with Spock lying so meekly underneath him, Kirk hoped that he would be able to gain a little bit more control in the meld.

"Yeah, I know about melds," Kirk uttered. He needed a moment to catch his breath, before constructing a more convincing answer. "I really want to do this, Spock. I know what it is. I know how it works. I've thought it over and I want to."

The last part was rather deceiving. Kirk hadn’t thought it over the way Spock thought things over. He hadn't sat himself down on a cushion pursuing in his mind all the possible consequences mind-melding with Spock in detail. Nor had he carefully weighted all the pros and cons of those consequences. He had wondered about it, and he had fantasized about it a couple of times. For Kirk that was good enough. Especially right now, when he had the opportunity to bring a fantasy to reality.

"I'm not entirely convinced you have indeed thought it over sufficiently," Spock replied.

Did Spock sense that through his touch-telepathy? If so, Kirk reasoned, then Spock should also be able to sense that Kirk really did want this. And what damage could it really cause? Considering the old Spock had approached him, hand extended and ready to go, without even asking – only stopping to explain because Kirk got scared that he might want to perform a Vulcan neck pinch on him instead – all with the belief that Kirk had already gained sufficient experience with it through his own Spock. If in the reality the older Spock had known mind melds had been shared to plentiful between the Kirk and Spock there, what was the harm in sharing one now?

"Mmmmm, pleaaaasee?" Jim pleaded, supporting it by pushing inside Spock with strokes that very lightly brushed over Spock's prostate, tickling it, and by bending forward to lick one of Spock’s nipples.

Spock purred. His right hand trembling on the bed, he almost lifted it to Jim's face. However, he was not going to allow himself to be _pleasured_ into this.

"Are you sure you don't want it?" Kirk teased, bending over to lightly kiss Spock's ear. Quickly intensifying the sensation by softly grazing his teeth over it.

"I... I...," Spock tried, while his trembling arm seemed to lift itself up to Kirk's face on its own volition. Perhaps his body had decided to send the command from his spinal cord, leaving his wiser brain out of the process. He placed his fingers on Kirk's face, moving them gently till they were met by the intensified stimulation indicating the meld-points. _I will only establish a superficial meld_ , was the last thing he thought to himself before committing to the task.

Kirk felt the mental presence of Spock creep onto the edges of his own awareness. Slowly, he experienced how it wrapped itself around it his own mental presence, until he was entirely surrounded by it. It was like an infinite embrace coming not only from Spock's body, but from his entire person. He could not yet experience _Spock_ though, it was more like it was _the concept of Spock_. It was in a way that a person might appear to you in a dream.

~Jim, relax your mind.~

~Spock? Is that you talking to me in my head?~

~Affirmative, Jim. Please relax your mind, so that I can allow the edges of our minds to blur together without any discomfort.~

~How do I do that?~

~The most effective way to achieve this state when you cannot do it naturally is to think about things that you find soothing. Thoughts that could be your last before falling asleep are usually effective.~

Kirk tried to focus on memories that he thought would work. However, every time he thought of such a memory, and they were rather rare already, they were quickly followed by a bitter or sad thought. Most of the memories that Kirk found soothing were of situations that had been taken away from him, of people that had left him, that had died, or that he had simply pushed out of his life.

~Jim, your mind seems to get tenser, if anything. Perhaps you are 'trying too hard'?~

Perhaps Kirk was trying too hard indeed. 'Something that could be your last thought before falling asleep', Spock had said. One could never sleep when you thought about having to fall asleep. You had to think about something else. Something that was distracting, yet simple – because if it invoked too many other thoughts it wouldn't work either.

Kirk then thought of Spock, of how much he liked Spock at the moment. Of how he loved him. After a few moments, it felt as if his mind was being tickled – no, that was not the right word. It would be better described as if brushes of gentle lukewarm water lightly waving over the edges of his mind, though the best way to put it one word was still ‘ _tickled_ ’.

The feeling quickly subsided for something much more intense. Kirk could feel every single inch of his body. It was as if every single neuron was firing to signal stimulation at the same time. Never before had Kirk been so _completely_ aware of his form. Never before had he understood so thoroughly how his body functioned. He was aware of every never-ending that was receiving pleasure, their signals now brought to his awareness without any inhibition.

And it didn’t even stop there, he could also feel all that Spock felt. He felt Spock’s hand on his face, but it also felt as if he was putting his own hand on Spock’s face. He very distinctly felt himself moving in and out of Spock's body, but at the same time could also feel being pushed into at the same time. It was _magical_.

While Spock allowed the edges of his and Kirk's mind to overlap each other, the first thing _he_ experienced was a complete love for his person. Not just a love that one held for a friend, but something that Spock believed to be far greater than that. Spock felt how Kirk believed that everything about Spock was beautiful and ‘awesome’

Jim loves me? Spock asked himself in the part of his mind that was still private.

Then it hit the both of them with the overwhelming force of an exploding star. It was a pleasure so intense it was like a nuclear blast – though one of creative, not destructive, power. Whereas Kirk had first felt every part of his body, he now felt every single part of his body light up, sparkle and become filled with bliss. It wasn't just feeling it through his whole body as a whole, but in all parts specifically.

~Oh, god, Spock that wasn't normal orgasm,~ came Jim's mental voice as the intensity started to wear down. Instinctively, he had known it to be orgasm that had caused the pleasure-blast.

~When our minds are melded you will feel more intensely.~

Though, to himself Spock could not dismiss it as such entirely. It had been more intense than his previous experiences – with Uhura. It was an elating observation, as he might infer from it their bodies and minds were signaling that this was a highly compatible match.

~Wow, well, that's something I wouldn't mind feeling again,~ Kirk rejoiced.

~That is quite fortunate, as you will be likely to experience it again swiftly,~ Spock thought-replied. As many times as you wish, followed in his private thoughts. _If only you let me_.

~W-what...? I will?~

As far as Kirk was concerned, such an intense feeling of joy and union could only possibly be achieved if both partners climaxed simultaneously.

~Affirmative. I can assure you that our bodies aren't finished. One of us is yet to achieve orgasm.~

The movement of his and Spock’s joined bodies regained the foreground of Kirk’s awareness again. How utterly strange. He hadn't even been aware he had continued to move.

~Hell, I do not even know if it was you or me who came.~

~Neither do I, Jim. We are an union.~

Kirk was curious to see their flesh touching and moving again, yet it appeared that the pathway leading from his eyes to his visual cortex was temporarily blocked. He could only see the images in his mind, in his and Spock's joined consciousness. Which also meant, that if Spock was still to... It meant he wouldn't be able to see Spock's face – whether he would gasp, or moan, whether his eyes would be open or closed, whether it would be an explosion of expression or a contraction inward – _that_ was a pity. However, it was a loss Kirk was willing to accept in return of what he was getting now. Mind melds and sex seemed to him a very appealing combination. He didn't think it was fair to his previous bed-partners to declare that this was _definitely_ the best thing he had experienced sexually, ever, but it was pretty damn good.

~How then, do you even know it was only one of us?~

It was more a tease than that it was a serious question coming from Kirk.

~I am more experienced in this field than you are.~

Kirk thought he was probably smirking when that comment, came to him. The tone had sound almost teasing as well, although it hadn’t quite lost the matter-of-fact sense in which Spock could say such things either.

That was when Kirk felt as if he was no longer too overwhelmed to try to take some control over the meld. After all, conversing had been going well. So, he started feeding images into the area where his and Spock's mind blended into each other.

First, of Kirk reclining in the captain's chair with Spock sitting on his lap. Spock had his trousers around his ankles and was slightly bend over. Kirk had his hands on Spock's hips and moved him back and forth roughly.

~Jim, that is outrageous. We couldn't do that on The Bridge.~

 _Damn it_ , just when Kirk thought he had found a bypass to Spock’s all-logic-no-fun mode, it was returning.

~Don't worry, in my fantasy I sent all the crew away for a shore-leave they couldn't possibly resist. It would be our secret.~

A wave of pleasure rolled over them. Was it the trust involved with having a secret together that made the idea pleasing to Spock?

Next, Kirk sent Spock an image of what he had quickly envisioned earlier: _Spock lying on a bed naked, blindfolded and with his arms tied above his head._

Another wave of pleasure hit the both of them, this one more severe than the other.

~You actually liked that one?~ Kirk thought-asked, a little surprised.

~The feeling it arose in me was fascinating.~

Another image was passed between them. This time it had been Spock who had sent it. It pictured Kirk in traditional Vulcan robes. He held a sincere smile on his face, while the almost reddish light of the sun lit up his unbelievably bright blue twinkling eyes. Spock came into the scene. He too was wearing traditional Vulcan robes. When he stood right in front of Kirk he moved his mouth to take Kirk’s in a tender and intensely loving kiss. Once Spock had slowly retracted, he softly pushed Kirk onto the bed. Imaginary-Kirk watched how Spock slid the robes upward over Kirk legs which were – as was transferred from Spock’s thoughts – with feminine grace below the knee, and with efficient firmness above. Finally revealing Kirk to be completely naked underneath.

Kirk found Spock's fantasy rather timid, compared to his own, but quite touching in a way. Besides, for Spock even sharing this much of his own desire was probably already of quite a significance, Kirk thought . At this realization, the joined part of Kirk’s and Spock’s minds glowed again in a way that made it impossible to trace who had generated it.

Next, Kirk was thinking about himself sitting on his bed in his underwear. "There's no need for this rivalry, I think I'm an interesting enough science project for it to be okay to have _two_ science officers study me," fantasy-Kirk joked. On the bed with him were Spock and Carol Marcus. Kirk hadn’t quite meant to show this one to Spock, but due to his lack of training with mind melds it must have slipped over before he knew how to stop it.

Spock's mind _shivered_ at receiving the image.

~ _Jim_.~

~You didn't like that?~ Kirk’s mental voice half-laughed, trying to charm his way out of his mistake.

~I found it to be discomforting, indeed.~

~I didn't mean to show you that. Sorry. I.. ehm...~

Spock transferred another image into the melded parts of their minds. Kirk was talking to a female crewmember. Her hand was playing with the edge of her dress and she had her bosoms pushed forward. She was trying to seduce Kirk. She was saying that there was something she would very much like to show him. Kirk however, had noticed that Spock approaching, still holding up at a respectful distance, and Kirk told the girl: ‘I'd love to honey, but –’

~I already have an appointment with Mr. Spock here,~ Kirk added. He recognized this scene, it wasn't a fantasy. It was a memory. It had really taken place like this. In fact it had taken place this very night, right before Kirk and Spock had gone to Kirk’s quarters to play chess.

An overwhelming sensation of pleasure hit both Kirk and Spock. It was another climax. It was bliss again. Being hauled over the edge of the universe and back.

The effects started wearing off after a few moments. Kirk noticed Spock's mind slipping away from him with it. His sight started returning to him and he became aware of the physical world again.

Kirk was now lying on top of Spock, panting and sweaty. There was a hint of a smile on Spock's face as he momentarily regarded Kirk. Very gently wrapped his arms around his captain’s back. He felt exhaustion, contentment and a sense of accomplishment seeping in from Kirk. _Jim_. His captain. His friend. His Human. _His_.

 


	4. Chapter 4

It had been little over a week since Spock had given Kirk his seal of trust. They hadn't had the time to pay each other any more attention privately. This however, was only logical as it had been stressful couple of days aboard the Enterprise.

There had been an encounter with a strange life form that had ended up forming a threat, equipment had stopped functioning correctly at precisely the most inconvenient moment and for a while the safety of the people aboard the ship had been compromised severely. The danger had been overcome because Kirk's mad plan – which Spock had helped executing without second guessing it this time – that had worked against all odds.

Now that things had returned to a calmer state aboard the starship, Kirk and Spock had set up another chess meeting. Kirk's voice had sounded a bit uncharacteristic to Spock. That, combined with what had happened the last time they had met up for 'chess', he noted to himself that 'playing chess' was possibly to be added to the list of 'illogical things that Humans say when they mean something else'. Spock had taken this as a good sign.

Thus, it was with confidence that he was making his way to Kirk’s quarters carrying a small box filled with various objects in his arms. The objects bore little significance to him, but he hoped to please Kirk with them. It was Spock’s every intend to be utterly dedicated to Kirk if they were to be bondmates. A warmth sprang to life inside him as he thought back to the moment where he and his Jim had come down from the mind meld. Kirk had inquired about Spock's health. Kirk had mistaken the green tone on Spock's cheeks as a sign of illness. Spock then had to ensure Kirk that instead of the pinkish shade that had colored Jim's own face at the time, due to Spock's green blood, Spock's face would turn greenish as a result of intense physical activity. Kirk had mumbled something that sounded most like 'oh, okay', and nuzzled his head under the line that Spock’s jaw set.

Spock knew from his experiences with Uhura that his cherishing such a trivial memory meant that, as a Human would put it, he was 'in love with Jim'. Back in the days when he experienced such feelings regarding Uhura he had been confused by them, and it had taken a lot of effort on her behalf to finally convince him that it was okay to allow himself to feel that way. That among Humans, if the other felt the same about you, it was a virtue.

With all the love Spock had felt radiating from Kirk, when the small meld had first been initiated, Spock inferred that he was indeed engaging in a Human virtue to feel as he did regarding Kirk.

Spock reached Kirk's quarters and let himself in – that kind of familiarity had been established between them for a while already. He found Kirk sitting at the table, with the chessboard already set out in front of him, but seemingly doing some last moment work on his PADD. When Kirk noticed Spock's entrance he turned his head and smiled a wide smile at him.

Spock almost stopped himself from allowing a small smile on his own face, but realized in time that Humans tended to find such a gesture endearing.

"You are late," Kirk said with amusement.

"Regrettably, I find that I indeed am," Spock replied. "It was harder than I had estimated it would be to find some of the items that my research showed were part of romantic rituals often performed by Human couples."

Spock started unpacking the box, revealing a couple of candles, massage oil and a box of chocolates amongst other things.

"Woa, woa, woa!" Kirk blurted out, eyes darting to the various items that came out of the box. "Human couples?"

"Well, I may not be fully Human, but I reasoned that now that we are together you would appreciate me trying to indulge myself in..."

“Spock!"

Spock stopped talking immediately when his name tumbled gracelessly off of Kirk's lips.

"You, ehm, eh," Kirk hesitated now that he had Spock's attention. He wasn't quite sure how to get this across to his friend, but it seemed that they had gotten themselves entangled in a very awkward misunderstanding. "You believe we are a couple now?"

"I believe that such would indeed be the correct way to refer to our status."

Kirk felt his limbs become very heavy. He had never meant for _this_ to happen! For a moment he thought about how might be nice to dissolve at the spot, but then realized that he couldn't lose his confidence. It would only make things worse.

"Spock...," there was a long pause before he dared to proceed. When he did it was with the gentlest voice he could possibly have put on, "That we've slept together once doesn't mean that we are together, as you know, a couple now."

Spock's eyebrows knitted together, creating two creases in between them above his nose. Kirk’s statement was confusing to him.

"You asked me to meld with you whilst we were engaged in sexual intercourse. You said you were aware of its meaning."

However, the thesis that Kirk actually hadn't been seemed to rapidly become the more plausible one.

"I think I may have, sort of, well, you know, overestimated my knowledge of things then. I just ehm, thought it was hot and I thought the big thing about it was that you could see into my mind and I was, well, okay with that and...," Kirk lowered his eyes to the floor. "From your statement it seems that there was more to it, wasn't there?"

It could be now be said with significant certainty that Kirk hadn't been aware of what he had asked for. A turmoil of emotions rose up in Spock. Anger about his own relentlessness regarding the matter; apprehension of the oncoming rejection, _and_ a slight sadness about that; frustration about the continuous misunderstandings that arose between himself and Human specimen. For the time being though, Spock managed to suppress those emotions.

"Yes, Jim, it is the most intimate gesture my people can offer. It is something that is exclusive to those that are intended to be one's longtime partner, one's bondmate," the words came out of Spock's mouth in a similar way that 'live long and prosper' had when he turned down the Vulcan Science Academy. He didn't mean to, like he hadn't meant to back then either, it just happened.

"Oh, god, Spock, I'm so sorry."

There had been a misunderstanding about part of what had happened. About a very important part, actually. Anger was becoming the dominant emotion for Spock now, and it became harder to suppress as time passed. On top of that, Spock was still confused. There were still parts to this indiscretion that made little sense and Spock needed some answers. He found that his hands had begun shaking with anger and frustration and a general uprise of emotion – so he hid them behind his back.

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regulate himself into a more neutral state. He didn't want to sound upset or angry whilst asking the next question. It could influence the honesty with which Kirk would answer it and currently that was unacceptable.

"I think it is now safe to conclude that however unfortunate it may be, there was a misunderstanding about the mind melding," Spock paused for a moment, respectfully waiting to see if Kirk had anything to add to that, and then continued, "Nevertheless, there is one thing that I cannot yet form any plausible conclusion on."

Kirk who sat slightly bended over and with his hand in his hair, feeling bad about what he had caused, lifted his eyes up to Spock. He had only done so because it started to dawn on him that Spock was waiting for some kind of response from him.

"And that thing would be?" Kirk asked with a small voice, swallowing heavily afterwards. He really did feel bad about this. It wasn't the first time that he had slept with somebody who had then gotten under the impression that such meant they were going to be together for always and always and live happily ever after. Yet, those had been random girls he barely knew and would never have to see again. That was no excuse for hurting their feelings – which he never did intentionally because of that reason – but it is undeniably true that it is far easier to engage in a certain negligence about how you treat people you barely know, than those that you care about. He couldn't shut _this_ out. This was regarding someone he was going to have to work with for a long time still, and even more importantly this guy was one of his best friends!

"When we melded, you radiated an incredible amount of love for my person to me,” Spock stated.

Kirk wanted to smash his own head into the table. It couldn't be any worse! How could he ever explain such a thing to Spock?

"Well, ehm, first of,” he tried, “I care for you a lot as a friend. You know this. I went against everything that I was supposed to do to save you from dying in that volcano. And I'd do it again. A billion times if I'd have to. That's love too, and I'm not sure if it feels different in a mind meld than... the other kind of love."

Kirk made all sorts of gestures with his hands as if these would somehow help convey the message to Spock.

"And beside that,” he continued, “well, ehm... Whenever I, eh, share my bed with someone, at that moment I love that person completely. They're the most beautiful thing in the world to me at that time. But then when it's over they're just a person you know? Not saying that you are just a person. You are still my friend, but I'm not... I'm not in love with you."

 

Spock took a moment to take the words in, think them over. It wasn't easy for him to understand this. It was already a challenge for him to understand love, and mind you that doesn't mean he didn't feel love, and now he was supposed to understand love, another kind of love, _and_ fake-love as well as their relation to each other and to himself.

"I see," he said finally.

In truth he only barely understood, but he didn’t feel he had the capacity to push the issue now _and_ remain calm. He started packing the items he had taken out only moments before back into the box he had brought them in.

"I assume that I would better put these away, as they no longer serve a purpose here."

All Kirk did was nod. Spock began taking his leave.                        

            "I shall proceed to move these to another place and when I return, will we play chess?" Spock inquired before he stepped through the door.

"Yes," said Kirk with that crack in his voice that was typical for a person who tried to hide being on the brink of tears.

           In his head, Kirk cursed himself.. He could have ruined his friendship with Spock with this stupid ordeal. From the time he had met future-Spock, and what he had learned on account of it, Kirk knew that his friendship with Spock was important. It wasn't just something he should risk pissing away because he got horny! _Fuck! Fuck! Mother fuck!_

"Spock?" Kirk called out to his friend and officer who was now standing in the doorway.

"Yes, Captain?"

"I want you to know, that... with your whole Vulcan emotion control thing... I thought you could handle having sex with me once just for the sex... I would have never done it if I had thought that there was _any_ chance of me hurting you and I am terribly sorry if I did."

I could handle it, Spock thought, until you started creating the impression that it was the beginning of a more meaningful arrangement, _you round-eared bastard_! Spock wanted to spit the words at his captain.

However, that would be a very Human thing to do. He did not wish to debase himself so, especially considering how doing Human things had brought this problem on. Thus, Spock chose not to indulge.

Instead he spoke, "I cannot say that I understand, but I can sympathize with what you say. Therefore I will not let this reflect negatively on the way I treat you. I have been - and always shall be - your friend."

With that Spock stepped through the door. As it started sliding shut again, he added, “I will be back shortly."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that on the scale of things Spock may appear a bit towards the emotional and sentimental side, and Kirk may appear a bit like a selfish jerk at points.  
> This is because I find that they kind of do appear that way in the aos movies too, if you see through the humor and spectacular timing of the movies. I myself prefer the more idealized versions of them, as seen in tos, but I've decided to keep the characterization in this story largely as is - as it posed a great opportunity for me to have a character development arc in the sequal story this has sprung (still in progress, and not yet available here), showing how through their love for each other they'll finally become better and more stable people. :D


End file.
